i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Randomize
