is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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