Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
