So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
