C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
