ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I need a burrito and a hug.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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