I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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