just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
