Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
