She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
