I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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