I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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