Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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