I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
