I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
