I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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