i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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