I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
