Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
