I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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