just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
