So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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