bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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