Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
i think im in europe. pls send help
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
