I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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