Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
