I wish life had little blips of pornography
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize