why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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