how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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