were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
