I wish my penis had an off switch
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
