guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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