Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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