I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
