my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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