On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
