I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
