I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
