So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
