I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
