Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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