I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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