she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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