In the future we'll all be gay
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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