sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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