dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
