My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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