No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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