I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Be still, my beating vagina.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
