tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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