dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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