I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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