burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
