Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
