Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
you made out with another girl for some wings
True strength comes from lack of pants
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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