My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
