Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
