I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
