I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
