Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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