I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
