Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
